A Year ~

  Well, I know I wasn’t going to post until next week, but that just shows how tired I was when  I wrote that!  This week/weekend is a time of remembering for us…… This week my amazing hubby and I celebrated our 9th anniversary!!! We have enjoyed reminiscing over the last nine years and the events leading up to our wedding and our wedding day. Sweet memories……….  But this weekend is also a time for remembering some hard things. You see, this weekend we look back at the start of what has been the hardest year of our lives thus far.  1 year ago Sunday, the 27th, my 18yo brother Nathan died in a car accident, in some ways our hard year started the day before….. the man that worked for my husband had been increasingly unhappy all week and finally showed some of it on Fri the 26th, slandering us inciting another that worked with us to be unpleasant. The other man apologized for his behavior and has been on good terms with us since….. “D” however had yet to show us the full ugliness of his anger…. Trying to forget the unpleasant scenes of Fri. we went to my in-laws on Saturday and it was just minutes after leaving their house that night that we were told of my brothers death. The days and weeks following his death are somewhat of a blur…… or maybe I just don’t like to relive them because of all of the emotions.  My husband was so amazing throughout the week, he stayed with me, held me, cried with me, and showed his love in every thing. He took the entire week off to help me and my family through this. He even went and took care of Nathan’s pick-up afterwards. I will just say, when some one dies of head injuries it is not clean, so his sacrifice in getting Nathan’s belongings out of that truck was HUGE! He watched the kids while I spent hours getting pics together, going through his cell for pics and info for the service, and texted with Nathan’s friends trying to offer comfort.  I can not begin to tell you what a treasure he was and is to me. I have no idea why God saw fit to bless me with such a man but I am so grateful that He did!  The week after Nathan’s death and service “D” went ballistic….. I can not begin to describe the ugliness of what he verbally and emotionally did to my husband, and it wasn’t just a one time thing. In the days, weeks, and months that followed we were forced to get police involvement because of threats to our family, nails in the driveway, etc….. and even when the worst was past he made sure that we knew he was our enemy. It was awful and, as a wife, I have to tell you that it was one of the most painful things I have ever witnessed to see part of my husband die…. His joy, his trusting nature, his desire to work, everything but his love and trust in God and his love and devotion to the kids and I. In the 4 months following Nathan’s death we also also saw 2 adopted Grandmas and 1 Great-Grandma go home to be with the Lord. For someone who had never really experienced death in her family, this was almost unbearable.  During the months that followed my health started to go down hill. It hasn’t been great for a long time but I reached a new low. During the early part of 09’ I got so tired/weak that there were many days I was unable to get out of bed except to do whatever was absolutely necessary. I tried to do more but would end up literally crawling and laying down frequently because I did not have the strength to stand. On days when I was out of bed I was too tired to even make it up the steps to our house without stopping 1 or 2 times to rest.  Talking with my new Dr and having him look at my blood-work, he is suspicious that I had mono on top of a LOT of other problems.  We could re-test to verify but can’t afford that at this time. I am making slow improvements, now even my worst days are not as bad before. I have a long way to go but look forward to continuing to improve. During all this our business was failing. In the current economy construction is not the best industry to be in. We have never had gobs of money but we faced a scarcity that we have never before known, and we still are. We have started to get work but it seems too little, too late…… There have been days that I was in despair because of this but at this moment I am looking forward to seeing what God does…… I also went through the loss of a friendship. I hope to write at a future date some of the many things that God has taught me through that, but not tonight. There were many other things that have happened, but these are the ones the biggest and the ones that I am at liberty to share. Bleak as everything was this past year, we have seen God work in ways that we would never have dreamed of….. He has allowed us to use the situation with “D” to witness to many in the community, He taught my husband many things and has made him less of a people pleaser and more willing to stand up, to not always be the one getting run over….. Interestingly enough, we have seen a couple different relationships fall apart when the other person lost control over us as God teaches us to allow Him only to be in control (this, of course, is what we have seen in hindsight). We have both learned to stand up more faithfully and openly for what we believe. We have learned more fully of forgiveness, the difficulty in forgiving the unrepentant, and the peace and freedom that comes from forgiveness. God has graciously taught us to trust Him, He has taught me that I have to choose daily to believe because He keeps His word. Faith does not have anything to do with emotions…..  I need to believe that He is there, not based on my feelings or emotions, not based on how things appear, but based on the fact that He promises in His Word never to leave me or forsake me. He has taught me to look at why I believe what I believe, to go to Him and His Word, to regard Him as the ultimate authority and not what any man might say that “God says….”, He has shown me His love and His mercy, and His abhorrence of sin and evil. He has shown me the sweetness of planting seeds of hope in Nathan’s friends, of letting go of those seeds and remembering who it is that harvests.  Much as I have not enjoyed the painfulness of these lessons, or the hardship of this year, much as, in my flesh I want an easier route, I am thankful for the growth. I hope to never forget the lessons learned.  I may post a picture/memories post in remembrance of  Nathan. I miss him so much but am so thankful that he is fighting no longer but is spending his time worshipping our Lord. How sweet to know that he is finally, truly happy!!!

  Now, if any of you are still with me after such a long post, I will wish you a goodnight! :o)