dark
impenetrable
closing in
suffocating
isolating
fear
These walls that I have built
Some unconsciously
Some to protect
I thought I was in control
I thought I would be safe
Now I find that I have shut out joy
And I am no longer in control
I cry for help
But the walls absorb my cries
I have the tools to escape
But no idea if I can find them
Or if I can use them, once found
The walls suck away my strength
I can no longer try to escape
Through my solitary window
I look out longingly
Happy people walk by
Unaware of my pain
They wave and smile
They can't see my walls
I put on my happy face
I can't let them see the real me
Who could understand what I have done to myself
My efforts to protect myself have backfired
They only cause me more pain
I know that God can save me
I see Him reaching out
Offering help
But I am too tired
Too tired to accept the offered help
Through my walls He seems distant and angry
My efforts will be too feeble to please Him
Why try
Then I hear verses swirling round in my head
Promises of all that Christ can do
Freedom for the captives
Release from Darkness
Gladness instead of Mourning
Garment of Praise instead of despair
Perfect Peace
Quiet me with His love
Delight in me
Rejoice over me with singing
Save me
Set me free
Now I have to choose
Will I let Him
Will I choose to believe His promises
It may be painful
There will be a cost
There will be change
Am I ready...........
Poker Forum at a Glance
7 years ago
take the plunge, both feet. Let go. I did and somhow God was waiting for me,..he always was
ReplyDeleteThough I am grieved by your pain, I am also rejoicing that you have finally found the courage to stand up and SPEAK. I have been where you are. On this side of the journey I can tell you that I have no regrets about taking down the walls and choosing to let the real me engage in genuine relationship. Would I ever go back? Not for anything in this world. It's not easy but it is worth it.
ReplyDeleteAnd can I just say, for the record, I have always known you were an artist. I have been waiting a long time for you to find your voice. This poem is beautiful, haunting, and so well done. It is such a privilege to watch you become more of who you were created to be.
Thank you for sharing. I think all of us have those moments/eras of fear, it's a scary thing to surrender and trust but it is oh so worth it and I wouldn't say gets easier (it is a process) but it does get sweeter every day!
ReplyDeleteYou can do it, Beci. He has made you capable of radical obedience and radical vulnerability, radical trust and radical faith. And you're so right: it's terrifying. It's letting go of self, the only thing we know. I don't know if it would minister to you the same way it is to me, but The Shack is the best book about relationship with God I've come across yet. It's hard, and it's raw, and it's real. And it hands out hope like bread to the starving. You're in my thoughts. You have been since I saw you three weeks ago. Blessings on your head. He will settle them on you.
ReplyDelete