3 Years

  I’m very unhappy with my technological limitations again today…..  Today marks 3 years since my brother went HOME and I found the CUTEST picture of him in my wedding photos. I wanted to put it here but I couldn’t, I wanted to put some of my faves from my phone on here but they are all on the old phone and not on my newer phone. Sigh…. A post without pictures just isn’t the same!  (My wonderful Mom saved the day and e-mailed me pics! So there will be pictures after all. Thanks Mom! ♥ )

   Today we went and tidied up at his grave and took flowers. The kids like to go and to remember. I think the best part of today though was how God spoke to me.  In the amazing way that can only be Him, He showed me how He had helped me, ways that He had used hard things to heal me, things that I couldn’t see at the time. 

  I woke up thinking back and remembering, remembering the pain, the sorrow, and surprised to find that the pain was gone and has been for quite awhile.  I miss Nathan, I wish that there were more good memories and less hard ones,wishing he could have met our youngest, knowing now how much I love him,  but it’s been a long time since there has been pain associated with talking and thinking about him and I can just be thankful. Thankful for all that God has done through such a dark situation, thankful for His mercy, and thankful that the good memories that we do have.  I almost felt guilty at first, wondered if something was wrong with me, and that’s when God showed me His handiwork.  You see, He reminded me of a lot of situations that we went through after Nathans death that were hard but that healed.  After Nathan died I got his phone and spent a lot of time sorting pictures and such, for which I am so thankful, and, while I had his phone, it received a number of texts from his friends. Texts with farewell messages, love, and pain.  I took the numbers and texted from my phone to offer my time and consolation, to offer the hope that I had.  I spent hours, literally, texting with girls I had never met, and it was hard. Today God showed me how He used that to help me get past the selfishness of my own grief, because in being forced to pour His love to others I was able to heal. He brought several of Nathans friends into our lives and gave us different ministry opportunities for them and again, the pouring of HIS love into their brokenness and hopelessness brought healing.   

  He also showed me how He used my sweet children. They helped me to put self aside also so that healing could take place.  Since his death they have talked of him a lot, often daily and answering their questions, knowing they were watching me and would see any discrepancy between my words and my actions, really put things in perspective.  I had to be honest with myself, so that I could be honest with them.  And, last but not least, He showed me how he used my amazing husband to look at the situation logically, to not let my emotions get too carried away, and to keep me grounded.

   Not only did God’s gentle voice show me how He had worked in this situation, He reminded me that, just as He carried me through the unexpected death of my brother, He would continue to carry me through the hard times ahead. Though the things that He uses are seldom what I expect and I seldom see at the time just what they are doing, He uses them for HIS glory and to make me into the person HE wants me to be.  Isn’t HE awesome?!?!?!  Today His voice was so clear, the lesson so sweet, that I just had to share…..