Walls

dark
impenetrable
closing in
suffocating
isolating
fear
These walls that I have built
Some unconsciously
Some to protect
I thought I was in control
I thought I would be safe
Now I find that I have shut out joy
And I am no longer in control
I cry for help
But the walls absorb my cries
I have the tools to escape
But no idea if I can find them
Or if I can use them, once found
The walls suck away my strength
I can no longer try to escape
Through my solitary window
I look out longingly
Happy people walk by
Unaware of my pain
They wave and smile
They can't see my walls
I put on my happy face
I can't let them see the real me
Who could understand what I have done to myself
My efforts to protect myself have backfired
They only cause me more pain
I know that God can save me
I see Him reaching out
Offering help
But I am too tired
Too tired to accept the offered help
Through my walls He seems distant and angry
My efforts will be too feeble to please Him
Why try
Then I hear verses swirling round in my head
Promises of all that Christ can do
Freedom for the captives
Release from Darkness
Gladness instead of Mourning
Garment of Praise instead of despair
Perfect Peace
Quiet me with His love
Delight in me
Rejoice over me with singing
Save me
Set me free
Now I have to choose
Will I let Him
Will I choose to believe His promises
It may be painful
There will be a cost
There will be change
Am I ready...........

Butter

So, J read to me and just as she was finishing the little man walked up with slimy hands and something white around his mouth. I was, of course, disgusted and asked him to show me what he had been into. He promptly took me into the the kitchen babbling with pleasure about the nums and grabbed the cube of butter. This morning it was a full cube............... it now is less than that and is full of finger holes and teeth marks, one corner is completely gone. I am left wondering when in the world he got tall enough to reach the kitchen counters!

A new post

Well, I was on another blog and saw my link on her site. This caused both pleasure and embarrassment......... Somehow the look of the title "hormones" below my name was rather disturbing. I just don't need another reminder! :o) lol! So I decided I had better write another post!

Now I have to figure out what it is that I want to say!

Oops! Time to read with J. I will have to really post later. :o)

Hormones

Have you ever wondered if hormones came after Adam and Eve sinned? I have been having increasing troubles with hormone imbalance and have come to the conclusion that they absolutely MUST be part of the curse. I keep trying to tell myself that we women would NOT be better off without them but I am NOT convinced. Especially after a day like today............ I am done with the nasty things! They ought to be optional. It's not as if I don't have enough other stress without hormone imbalance issues, and my poor hubby "gets" to bear the brunt of it. They make me hate myself, everybody and everything........ :oP So, note to my readers here, do NOT hang out with me during the 2-4wks of the month that I am rather um, hormonal. BLECH!

I am not sure that I can find the gift in this moment. Maybe I was mistaken, not all but most moments are gifts...........

A verse just popped into my head (This may be paraphrase here) Consider it all joy my brothers when you face trials of many kinds......... this thought was followed by "Um, EXCUUUSE ME? There is no joy in being a hormonal nutcase!" Guess this is an area I need to work on, huh?

Our growing family part 2

Well, as promised here is the follow up to my last post........ My oldest is 6! She started the morning BRIGHT and EARLY, chattering like a magpie. :o) Those of you who know her will not find this surprising at all. Before I was even up she came to me and, standing next to my bed looking down at herself, stated "I didn't grow! I am not bigger like a six yr old, my clothes still fit!" Lol! She got to make eggs for everyone, which was thrilling. She loves to cook! Then when we were in the car heading to town she said "There is traffic on my birthday!" It seemed totally unfathomable that life would be going on as normal on HER birthday! She, of course, wanted to tell everyone that it was her birthday, that is until we went to Denny's for lunch and they sang to her at the end of our meal. She was so embarrassed and was MUCH quieter about her birthday for the rest of the day. It was kind of cute........... Some life lessons are so interesting! Although our day did not go as planned, she had a great day. Her gift was Milo Sam. She generously let her her sister hep name him. So J chose Milo and B chose Sam, thus Milo Sam. Here is a picture of J and Milo:


And here he is in all of his cuteness:



Isn't he a nice addition to the family? We are hoping that it will help her learn responsilbility. Everyone is crazy about him. It has even prompted the youngest to finally talk a little bit. He can say rabbit, bunny, and Milo when HE wants! Fun, huh? :o) Today we let him explore the house. It was so fun! Slightly distracting when trying to get school done but a great incentive to clean house! Wouldn't want to lose little Milo, would we? LOL!

Our growing family

Well last night we found out that our family is growing! Milo Sam is about 8wks old!!! We are all in love already.............. I am exhausted tonight but tomorrow will post pics from today. I am sure y'all can't wait! :o) I will also share about all of the heartache associated with watching my first born turn 6!!! I still can't believe it happened, where has the time gone!?!?!?!?

Vulnerability

Wow, so I was typing out the post that has been wandering about my head and have decided that I might not be ready to be quite that open and vulnerable. As I started typing I realized that my post was taking some turns that I am not sure I am prepared to write about yet. We'll see.........

I will write about something else that has been on my mind. A pen-pal and I were e-mailing and discussing some things about life and faith. Well, we started talking about how we view God. Now, I have known for awhile that I need to work on that area, I see Him as a hard to please Father, always disappointed with me. So she was challenging me on that and as we visited she brought out how kids were drawn to Jesus. She asked me to think about what kind of people kids are drawno. Always negative and fault finding? Distant and cold? No, kids are drawn to joy filled people, people who are gentle, loving, and fun, who see the best in them. Now I tend to think of Jesus calmly and coolly putting the pharisees in their place, of Him upsetting the tables in the temple and driving the tax collectors out, of Him calming a storm, etc....... When I think of the children coming to Him and the people flocking around Him, I tend to think of the fact that He was a great teacher or something and not think about whether or not there were other reasons why people were drawn to Him. It is a new and fascinating thought train for me........ To remember what a complex man He was, but what the children saw and loved was not sternness or imminent displeasure. Also, as I read my Bible, to see just how much He loves me and asks me to be like a child. Intriguing! She also gave me a sweet example from parenting......... she mentioned how much the family loves her 2yo and that when he doesn't do things perfectly they aren't displeased with him but understand that he is 2 and will do better as he gets older or if he just needs more training in that area. They are like his cheerleaders and he adores them. Now, isn't that a sweet picture? I am so thankful that God is patient with me as I slowly learn and grow! and God as my cheerleader? WOW!!!

On another random thought train. I think that the reason I like this blog so much is that I often have all these thoughts swirling around in my head and no where for them to go. This feels like a safe place (the world wide web safe? weird, huh?) for me to put all these random thoughts. :o)

ETA: My SWEET hubby helped me get a new pic last night! So my profile pic is no longer a yr old!!! Nice, huh? He is so helpful, although I think he had a bit too much fun! ;o)