Feelings versus Fact

  I have been a part of a morning e-mail accountability group for about 6wks.  We have a daily e-mail that goes around the group and we each share what we read in God’s word, how it spoke to us, and prayer requests. There is a bit of chit-chat too :o)  This has been soooo good for me. Knowing that I have accountability from these sweet ladies makes it easier for me to put aside other things and make time for my Bible. Before it was, sadly, one of the first things to get moved until a later time and, thus, often didn’t happen.  All this to say that through His Word God has really spoken to me lately. I am taking time to read and really think over what I read….. not just speed read and feel good because I got my reading in.  Last week (Thurs. I think?) I read in Mark chapter 4 about Jesus calming the storm.  I could so empathize with the apostles, I have been in that position so many times!  I was writing to my group that I felt like it was a direct challenge to grow in my faith through our current circumstances, not to let the storms scare me, to have faith that He won’t let me drown regardless of how hopeless things seem.  THAT VERY DAY I was hit by storm after storm, phone calls and e-mails full of bad news, wave after wave “swamping my boat”.  I sadly did not pass the test. I found myself crying out “Lord, don’t you care?” like the apostles, wondering why He was sleeping through all of this, but instead of Him stopping my storms I just felt rebuked for my lack of faith under trial.  Then I found myself angry with God. I felt like He had abandoned me, I felt alone and in danger from the wiles of man, I felt unloved and forsaken. I, sadly, allowed myself to wallow in these feelings and didn’t read or take part in my group the rest of the week.  I prayed, I cried, I poured out my troubles to him but still felt overlooked in the grand scheme of things. Sunday morning while in the shower I started thinking (now you Mom’s will understand that shower’s are the best places to do deep thinking because it is often your only uninterrupted moments – if you’re lucky! ;o)  and I think the Holy Spirit really spoke to me.  Essentially it boiled down to one of my pet peeves….. I had fallen into the very thing that drives me nuts about certain “Christian” groups, I had let my feelings take precedence over fact!  Not just for a fleeting moment, not for a day, but for 3 whole days I had wallowed in my own arrogant “wisdom”, relying on my feelings. Though I am ashamed of myself I am thankful for what I learned. I *felt* abandoned and forsaken yet God promises in His Word NEVER to leave me or forsake me, I *felt* unloved but He continually reiterates His love for me throughout His Word,  I *felt* like God was sleeping and yet He is a God who never slumbers, I *felt* afraid of what others would/could do to me and yet God says not to be afraid because with Him on my side what can they do to me? I relied on my feelings and yet God says that the heart is deceitful and wicked.  My feelings don’t mean diddlysquat, they vary and shift constantly while God promises to never change. I need to spend more time in His Word getting to know Him better so that when these trials come up, as they inevitably will, I will not let my feelings get in the way of fact. God’s Word is true, it is fact, it never changes! It is the only trustworthy thing there is and I need to utilize it more in my walk.  Though I know there will be more trials and I will not always handle them as I should, I am thankful that He has seen fit to walk me through and speak to me, to show me His love in a new way and to help me grow in Him. What an awesome God we serve!